Kitkat

Gah. I'm not the sooky type...It sounds so weird, but I would have never guessed just how devastating it is to lose your cat. My little kitkat of 4 years and three months got very sick all of a sudden and was in a huge amount of pain. The next morning he was taken to the hospital, diagnosed with a dangerous case of, to put it simply, a blocked bladder. Within the same day, his heart stopped and was unable to be revived after c.p.r and a shot of adrenaline to the heart. I miss him heapsly.

To whom it may concern,

All I want in this year of 2010
is to do well at school,
to share the year with one or two, maybe three best friends,
who i can tell anything to,
share warm summer weekends with
rely on,
be there for,
laugh with.

You've just caught me dreaming.

They lie when they tell you that wishes really do come true.

Bring the year on.

Maybe if I'm lucky it will go quickly.

Sincerely,
Deb.

COMPOSURE

COMPOSURE: Calmness of mind or matter, self-possession.

Keeping my composure is one of the hardest things to do. It's a bit of a revelation really, that so many situations, arguements, frustrations, hurts and past wounds can be so easily dealt with by keeping your composure and stopping to take a step back and look at the bigger picture of life and asking:
Is this important and will this impact on my long term future?

When decisions are made, no matter how much fear we have for what the future may hold and whether we might possibly regret that decision, make a final decision and commit. Promise yourself to keep your composure no matter how tough things get. The past is in the past for a reason.


I made this promise to a friend recently:

COMPOSURE (August Burns Red)

Shake it off.
Pick yourself up, they say.
Your life fell apart in your hands, and you've got the scars to prove it.
It's not the first time, and they're getting deeper.
Pull it together.
Button up your shirt.
Roll down those sleeves.
Don't let them see how you've coped.
More and more your demeanor looks like quicksand.
It seems like your giving up on everything you worked for.
It's pulling you under.
It's gripping around your throat.
Life can be overwhelming, but don't turn your back on the strongest crutch you've ever had.
They have always been there to brace your fall.
Wave goodbye to the past.
You've got your whole life to lead.
It's time to gain some ground.

The unforgiven

It's been a while. Not that I'm writing these for any particular benefit...BUT, don't you agree? It HAS been a while. haha!
Now that has been established, I have no idea where to start or what to write.
It has been ridiculous amounts of drama for a while now, so many thoughts rushing through my mind and it's terribly exhausting. Those horribly timed MAJOR friendship and relationship problems, that suddenly urge me to say to others what I've wanted to say for a long while. Extreme feelings of loneliness and self loathing come, even though I know that what is currently going on is NOT my fault. My past haunts me, the things people say sting to where I begin to sincerely believe what they're saying. But what can I do but ask God to have mercy on me? In other words, plead with God for forgiveness and help, even though I do little for Him. When man fails, when life screws you over and when you can see so clearly that no one cares...God is there to forgive and heal my scars that can't seem to be forgotten. He knows that I'm no way near where He needs me to be, but doesn't reject or replace me with a 'better' option...he doesn't tell me that I'm only asking for His help because of my situation...he doesn't go and tell the world how terrible and horrible and wretched I am...When others judge, God takes me as I am: in pieces, and holds me under his arm as I finally give into his unbelievable mercy that does not exist in such a world of hate and unforgiveness.

selfless desire

It's a strange feeling knowing I'm so blessed in the life I've been given and what I'm provided with, but still being so ridiculously unhappy. People don't love you unless it benefits them. I mean, is it not hard to love someone dearly when you can barely enjoy yourself with them or you don't get any personal joy or fulfillment out of it? I'm finding it terribly hard, but what about them? Not every relationship I come across can be a two way street of giving and taking. Maybe I'm meant to give all I have, so that I can at least try and brighten someone else's unhappy life. Just because it's difficult for me and forces me outside my comfort zone, I have to live thinking about others. Psychology these days teaches to exist always molding life around yourself, doing what makes YOU happy. I thought back in the old days that was the definition for selfishness?
I've changed so much from what I used to be, to what I am now and I like neither of those people! I'm never fake, but I alternatively just say and do what I want when I want. I will never aim to please, but being the best person I can be requires restraint, discipline and selfless thought and action. Maybe I don't have anyone to truly encourage me in my journey of life and discovery, maybe I don't have someone who will stand by me no matter who I become or what I believe in or how I act, no matter how unlovable!! But I want to be that good, faithful, loyal person who can always put a smile on a face and brighten a day and stand by for the good, bad and terribly ugly, because I know I would give anything to have a friend like that.

spark up the flame

WELL it's into August and bothering to blog is a big task for meeee! There are WAY too many things to write about, I wish life were more simple really.

I could rant and rave about my anger when Dad snapped my metal c.ds or talk about the frustration I feel knowing that there are way too many people that I have broken relationships with, old best friends that I can never reconnect with, people who simple "hate" me because...well....that's hard to decipher.

I could have a massive spiel about the difficulties in choice making that I am currently having and I could discuss how scared I am to step forward at the moment, that I'd rather stay where I am than take a risk and possibly get hurt or make a mistake.

I could try and put into words the personal difficulty in making a commitment to God that needs no excuse other than my failure to stand up and give up things that I'm too selfish to let go of.
I could write about friendship issues or family frustrations.

But life's a blessing, no matter what they say.
I'm blessed no matter how I feel.

Live life, be GNARLYYYY, take a step forward and hope to never look back.
I've got to reignite my passion for life, because somewhere along the track it died.
I'm me, mistakes and all.
Let go, take a step to see the bigger picture and see that the small things don't matter.

Thought- provoking

" 'Here, then,' she jotted in a notebook, 'is a little summary of what I need- power, wealth, and freedom. It is the hopelessly insipid doctrine that love is the only thing in the world, taught, hammered into women from generation to generation which hampers us so cruelly. We must get rid of that bogey.' " Katherine Mansfield


'Why is it we so love the strong emotions? I think because they give us such a keen sense of Life- a violent belief in our Existence. One thing I cannot bear and that is the mediocre- I like always to have a great grip of Life, so that I intensify that so-called small things- so that truly everything is significant.' Ali Smith

Statements and concepts I only partly agree with. Inspirational however, provoked a lot of thought.